A Meaningful Life?

I guess it was inevitable. I'm getting to the reflective point in my life where I say to myself, "Self, are you ever going to amount to anything?" I wonder if it's because I'm a spoiled, only child that I am so absorbed with my own accomplishments. You see, I'm of the era where Dr. Spock (not Mr. Spock) ruled with a soothing voice. The iron-fisted method of raising children was passe, you see. You didn't want to hurt the little darlings' egos, did you? Everyone gets a trophy. Everyone wins a ribbon. Encourage the heck out of them. Tell them they can do anything. Can accomplish anything. Well, that's hogwash.

I'll never be President. I'll never go to the moon, or even to outer space. I'll never sail the world. I'll never (fill in the blank here). I'll never make the cover of People magazine (guess that's a good thing). Heck, I'll never even go around the world (too expensive). It's easy to sit around and dwell on the things I'll never do or can't do. I'll hit the double-nickle this year. Yep, I'll be 55 years old in August. So I can't, in all fairness, refer to myself as middle-aged. How many 110 year old people do you know running around, after all? My bones creak and ache. I dread the thought of exercise, although I know I desperately need it. I am tired; continually exhausted with the daily grind of life. I need, no, I'm gasping for the endurance and patience that God has promised me. I long for a close, true friend, just one, with whom I can share all things and with whom I can be totally transparent.

Watching the Masters yesterday, I was struck by the realization that Bubba Watson has never taken a golf lesson, doesn't have a coach and has never watched his swing on video. He's what they call a "natural". He shouldn't be able to do what he does, but he does. I toy with the idea of taking up golf, tennis, or something but then laughably acknowledge that I'm far too uncoordinated to do anything like that! Always the scrawny kid - always the last one picked for a team - always the easy out. That's me.

Do we all reach the age or the realization that we'll never be significant, except to a handful of people? Is anybody else disappointed with that realization, or is it just me? I think of the billions of people on this planet today who will be born, will live and die in relative obscurity. Is it just an American obsession with significance? Is is a modern-day evolution of the psyche that we grope for significance? How long has navel-gazing been an acceptable pastime?

This whole thought process swelled from my reading in Colossians this morning. The prayer that is encompassed in Chapter 1, verses 9 through 14 is a perfect example of a prayer we should pray for other believers and also for ourselves. Neither Paul nor Timothy planted the church at Colosse, but their friend, Epaphras, had established the church there. But their reputation -- the way they were living their lives, their faith, their love for each other -- had reached Paul and Timothy. Paul prayed a "proscuno prayer" for that church; a fall on your face kind of prayer - a worshipful prayer - for that church. He prayed that they would have "epignosis" - full discernment - of God's will for them.

I want epignosis. Don't you? I want someone to pray a proscuno prayer for me. I want to be controlled by and filled with the full knowledge and discernment of God's will for me. Why? Verse 10 tells us - "in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God". Paul goes on to say that we should be strengthened with ALL power. The Greek word he uses here is where we get our word for dynamite. All power, huh? Explosive, tremendous power. The kind that implodes buildings, blows the tops off mountains, and rattles the windows for miles around.

Live a life worthy of the Lord. Please Him in every way. Bear fruit (teach and disciple others). Grow in the knowledge of God. Is that the secret? Is that what countless others have learned that I'm just now beginning to grasp? Is that all there is to this Life?

Does it matter that I'm only significant to a few around me? As long as I'm living a life worthy of the high calling of Christ, then that's enough. As long as I'm being faithful and BOLD to tell others about Jesus and His loving sacrifice for them, teaching others, and growing in my own knowledge of God and his mercies, then that's enough. As far as endurance and patience go, He has qualified me to share in His inheritance. "Qualified" here means that it's a done deal. His past actions on the cross have assured the future result of my standing before God.

As far as my children go, and for a few others around me, I long to be significant to them. Not for any personal accomplishment, but significant in my passion for Christ. With great strength, He rescued me from the dominion of darkness and brought me into the kingdom of the Son he loves. The one who laughs at his or her need for God is the one who is living a meaningless life. An insignificant life.

Let's just hope I can remember this lesson the next time I'm groping for some significance in my own life. I've got a feeling this is a lesson I'll be learning each and every day. Until I'm 110.

Where have I been?? Living, of course!

It's strange how life gets in the way of living, isn't it? I found out today that a mom with a son on Stephen's baseball team is "into" blogs, and told her about my blog. Then it dawned on me that I hadn't touched it in a long, long time. If blogs were like houseplants, this one would surely be dead.

Spring, although beautiful in northeast Georgia, is such a difficult and melancholy time for me. And now more so than ever -- our sweet next door neighbor passed away a week or two ago. He and his wife have truly adopted our family (boy, they didn't know what they were getting into!! haha), and he was Stephen's golfing buddy. Now he's gone, my mother's been gone 16 years now, and the beauty has faded from spring.

I'm not sure where to start - first off, we're no longer a "homeschooling" Bulldawg family. Yep, the unthinkable happened - we sent the kids off to public school. It was a gradual slide; the boys went first this past school year. Sam to play baseball, Stephen just because. Then the girls went in November. The house got suddenly quiet. Just me and the weenies. But my adoption practice had skyrocketed, and it was no longer fair to the kids for me to be gone so much and no longer fair to me to expect me to juggle everything. Like the man on the Ed Sullivan show spinning the plates, my plates were spinning out of control.

We are still a traveling family - went to St. Louis this past Labor day weekend to see Albert Pujois play in a Cardinals uniform for the last season. Had a great visit there and plan to go back this year. Camping, the beach, other trips......all scheduled around a very hectic baseball season(s). If you've ever had a son play travel baseball, or even had a child play a travel sport, you soon realize that your life is no longer your own. Your schedule not your own. Free time? Forget about it! Baseball in the spring, summer, fall & don't forget those winter workouts. So much more competitive these days.....

We're still Bulldawgs, too. Mourned our loss in the SEC championship game to the LSU tigers, and secretly rejoiced when they got their tails whipped by 'Bama in the national title game. Freaked out because Michigan State -- what???? Michigan State?? beat us in the bowl game in January. I have to think like a Cubs fan - next season will be OUR season.

And we're still a family. I've found out that although some things change, they will always be the same. Still a family. Looking out for each other. Laughing together. Crying together. Fighting together. The simple decision to get up each morning and love one another - especially my husband - is a decision that I gladly make. The alternative is not pretty. Because I cannot be dependent upon Larry to make me happy. I can't depend on my work to make me happy; neither can my children make me happy. Happiness is a choice, and is based on circumstance. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit; one that I'll gladly embrace, even in my sorrow over lost loved ones, financial difficulties, lost career opportunities and the like.

And that's where I've been ..... hope to hear from you soon!

Too, too long!!!

It's been too, too long since I've posted, and my oldest dear daughter recently reminded me of this. Let's see - where do I start??? Do I go back and talk about Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years???? Very special times, especially 'cause my Philly-living girl came home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Many good times with family! We hosted the Homeschool Christmas dinner - I think there were about 50 or so folks in attendance. We also had our Sunday school class over after Christmas (not quite as many, but still a good time!).

Super Bowl party at the Sartain's house! I'm thinking there were about 80 or so students and various adults in attendance. We had four TV's going and lots of great food.

We just returned from a trip to Kentucky and a combined visiting relatives/field trip/reunion with classmates kind of jammed-packed four days. We first went to Columbus-Belmont State Park in Kentucky; where the Confederates thought to out-smart the Yankees by stretching a huge chain and anchor across the Mississippi to keep them out of the deep South. Didn't work & the rest, as they say, is history! Got some great pictures and learned a lot. The museum is closed during the week, but I called and they opened up especially for our "school" group!
Susan and Lillian, Larry's aunts and our favorite traveling companions, went with us. They were amazed that we saw four major rivers - the Mississippi, the Ohio, the Tennessee and the Cumberland. We spent the better part of Friday with relatives - my favorite cousin Doris and my aunt, uncle and cousins in Dycusburg. We went by the farm where Doris and my father were raised, and by the farm where Mother lived as well. Visited Mother's grave and other relatives at the cemetary there. We went to "old" Kuttawa and I tried to remember where some of the buildings had been before they flooded the town in 1966 to form Barkley Lake. Had a wonderful visit with my aunt, uncle and 3 of their kids (and some grandkids & great-grandkids). I hadn't seen them in several years and it was good to catch up.

We drove around Paducah and saw Nobel Park, my old house where I lived for 20 years on Oaks Road, saw my high school, my old church and toured Paducah. I had forgotten how pretty it is with all the dogwood and redbud trees in bloom. We went to Metropolis, Illinois - the home of Superman! Quaint old river town. Then toured Fort Massac State Park where a reproduction of the Revolutionary War fort has been constructed. Lillian managed to get in a little antiquing in Paducah. The downtown has been partially restored and there are neat shops, galleries and cafes up and down Broadway. The floodwall has been beautifully painted with murals depicting Paducah's history - from the Indians through the building of the nuclear plant and the atomic age. We finally found the statue of Chief Paduke (I think he sold Paducah to the Clark boys for about $5).

Best of all, we were able to eat Fiesta Burgers at Bob's Drive-In! Yum!!! If you've ever had one, you won't forget it! I'm craving one right now!!!

One of the highlights of the trip for me was a dinner planned by my old friend (not that she's old - we've just known each other since 1st grade) Debi Walker Crouch. She managed to get together about 7 of us at Logan's Steakhouse. David Forbis came and brought his lovely wife, Nancy LaRue was there, Minnie Duncan, Debi, Donna Ramage, and Twyla McGuins! Our high school choir teacher, Donna Green Seltzer, was able to drop by. We had a great time talking about old times and hoping for a class reunion. We laughed, guffawed and just had a wonderful time. My throat was sore we talked so much. I think the others did most of the talking and I mainly listened. (ha)

I'll try to do better in keeping this up. I know I left out lots of stuff, but keep watching; I'll do better. Baseball season has started, so look for some baseball pictures!!

I've been hacked!

Hey mom - its jess and i hacked your blog! (haha)

Just wanted to say happy birthday!!!!

Where did the summer go?

I hate the early school starting dates. Funny thing is, we homeschool, so we don't adhere to the "school calendar"....but inevitably find ourselves impacted by it at church, in traffic, shopping, etc. We don't have a huge need to buy school supplies right now, but if I don't buy while cheap - it will be 10X more expensive later (if you can find it)! Kickoff tonight at church for children's choir - it's only July 29th!! I remember that I NEVER went to school on my birthday (Aug 26th) until my freshman year in college. To this day, I have a tinge of regret that it's not a more widely recognized holiday. LOL We don't even close the pool until mid-late September. (somebody please tell me if I'm sounding like Andy Rooney)

Trips to the beach, camping, spent the last month agonizing over my oldest daughter's bicycle accident injuries (riding her bike in Philadelphia & hit by a car). Trying to keep a much-too-big house clean with 4 kids, 2 dogs and a cat chasing behind me, messing as they go. Grieving over a dog that had to be given away; wounded over a heart-breaking church situation.

BUT - seeing Stephen catch a fish all by himself. Watching Catherine swim lap after lap at swim team and slowly pull ahead of the others. The "ping" of the bat when Sam hits a ball; the snap of the glove when Larry catches a hard strike thrown by Sam. Observing a brown spider make her way up her web between the porch railing and roof line. Planting flowers; cross-stich; listening to Cat and Hannah laboriously practice their piano and then hear it all come together. Floating in the ocean, holding hands with my husband. Watching the Braves win......and lose. Cuddling with a fat, wriggling puppy. Gently cradling an elderly little dog, who gazes into my eyes, her dark expressive eyes emoting love, care, and devotion.

Preparing now for the school year with the same enthusiasm as always. Moving books to the right shelves, clearing out paper & junk on desks; deciding which furniture to move out or just rearrange. Figuring out how we'll juggle kindergarten, 3rd, 5th and 8th grades in the same room. God will help us through it, I know!

Spring in the Summer

Boy, that scientifically-verified global warming is about to get me down. low of 43 degrees tonight and a high of 69 tomorrow. Our pool is hovering at about 66 degrees, which is not warm enough to bask and not cold enough to enjoy slushies. The rain is a blessing, one I predict we'll be praying for in late August.

So many things going on with the kids. The Bookworm had a chorus recital and a band concert, so we are finished until August. Soccer is finished, so we only have two involved in sports - baseball for both boys. Scooter hits from both sides of the plate and has a good throwing arm. Of course, if you'd spent all your life throwing things at the DIVA for your own personal protection, your aim would good as well. The Children's group at church (the DIVA is a member) had a great spring production with lots of summer fun and songs. She enjoyed being in it.

The last weekend in April, we went on a wonderful camping trip with the Homschool group at church. Several families and lots (LOTS) of children. Kept busy all week end just being kids.

General fatigue and malaise has set in, I'm afraid. I need to exercise both my body and my mind. The new weenie dog, Daisy, has everyone on edge. Her name, "oopsy, daisy, doodle" give somewhat a clue as to what her bathroom habits are. First, she doodles, then it's an "oopsy" from me as well as the threat. It takes forever to housetrain a miniature daudhsand!

I'll try to add some photos soon. My tylenol is sinking in .................*snore**

2009? already????

Boy, have I been neglectful. We've had a busy, busy winter here. No snow, unfortunately..... sure do wish we'd get about 6 inches (settle down now - it would be gone in a day or two)!

Let's see - Thanksgiving. My dearest husband's favorite holiday; I think it has something to do with the fact that you don't have to decorate, buy gifts, or wear new clothing. Seriously, we have a lot to be thankful for........

We discovered in the fall that the baseball baron has a muscular problem with his eye muscles. (have I already posted about this? they say the memory is the first to go and I don't remember what the second thing is). They (his eyes) are weak and do not work together properly. He has tracking problems, focusing problems, and does not see spaces between letters or words. Fortunately, we have found a wonderful vision therapist in Marietta (about 1-1/2 hours away) that is working with him and doing a fantastic job. We want his reading to improve and he just wants to hit the baseball better! Hopefully, both goals will be achieved. Meanwhile, we have to drive there once a week until probably October or so. In conjunction with that therapy, he is also taking reading therapy which helps him to see the words better. That's in Clarkesville, a little town about 40 minutes from us ----- which leads us to another THANKFUL!

On December 22nd, we were involved in a head-on collision. Me and all 4 of the kiddos. Blessings upon blessings, no one was injured save for bumps, bruises (on me - very interesting shades of black, blue, yellow, purple and green) and a serious case of the jitters. I kept finding new bruises for several weeks.

We had a WONDERFUL Christmas - someone said "guess you'll have a lousy Christmas" after the wreck. On the contrary, were were so very blessed to be together and healthy - celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior. After purchasing a replacement vehicle, we went ahead to Orlando to see our wonderful, beloved, talented, extraordinary BULLDAWGS play in their bowl game. We got to see the Citrus Bowl parade, spend some time with dear friends at their lovely home, and generally have a low-key trip. I'll have to add some photos of the trip.

The baseball dude has been playing basketball all this winter, and we've enjoyed the games immensely. He's playing in a tournament now, and the games will come to an end next week ---- just in time for BASEBALL season. Actually, baseball season never really ends around here. He is playing with a new travel team and they've been practicing twice a week all winter long.

But what's funny is that Scooter will be trying out soon for coach pitch baseball! He's so very small, but he's an absolute machine when it comes to hitting the baseball. He's already learning to switch hit (he's just 5!).

There's something about baseball. Carrying a chair in your car for months; having to take a cooler of gatorade and diet pepsi to every single game (and that means snacks for everyone, of course); the chill of the beginning of spring season and the end of fall season; the "ding" of the bat as it connects to the ball; cheering on the team until you're hoarse; watching the siblings play on the playground (go play, kid, so I can watch the game); seeing all the dogs and puppies at the ball field; the deep red of the Georgia clay on the baselines and pitcher's mound; the electric green grass on a bright summer's day. Baseball is everything that is good and right in this world. Plus, you play it on a diamond, so it can't be bad, right? But there I go again, chasing a rabbit.

Let's see - both boys start baseball within two weeks, the Diva will be gearing up for soccer soon, and the Bookworm has been taking dog obedience training classes for the black lab. Add in chorus for both, band for the bookworm (along with drum lessons), and we're always pretty busy. Oh - and we manage to fit in some pretty rigorous school work, too.

Believe it or not, we've added a new member to the family. Oh, no, you scream! Not another baby, please say it ain't so......! Well, this is a four legged baby. Black with red trim. Another miniature dachshund. She's our little Daisy, and it's amazing how a 1.8 pound creature can disrupt an entire household! But just like a human baby, she's so adorable and cute that you overlook the mess.

Are we caught up yet? I'll scoot back soon to add some pictures to this rambling mess of a post. Sometimes I feel like we're sitting on the porch, having a long conversation over a tall glass of sweet iced tea. Come to think of it, just come on over and I'll pour you a glass, too!